It’s so interesting living in a world where so many people are bat shit crazy. I mean, it’s not as though crazy people haven’t always been with us but now they get entire news articles written about them as though they are somehow to be celebrated. Everybody has their little quirks or things that make them a bit different, that’s to be expected. However there comes a point where you cross the line into crazy land. Take this woman for instance. Now, you would be hard pressed to find anyone who loves animals more than Grandpa Lampshade. However this bitch takes things to a whole other level.
Britain’s most pampered pooch is celebrating Christmas in the lap of luxury with 68 individually wrapped presents costing in excess of a £1,000.
Mother-of-one Helena Mueller, 38, from Cambridgeshire loves her Cockapoo, Lola, more than anything in the world and devotes her life to making sure that her dog wants for nothing.
“Oh this woman is a bit eccentric and really loves her dog. What’s wrong with that Grandpa Lampshade?” Oh you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Loving your dog is a sign of good character. However like anything else, there is a line that you can cross where you find yourself in crazy land.
On the big day itself, Lola will unwrap her 68 gifts, which include premium toys and clothes – and a special doggy Christmas roast – and she and her owner will wear matching Christmas jumpers.
You may think this is the dog version of crazy single cat lady but you would be wrong. Apparently she has a very low T husband who goes along with all of this and worse, a son who is ranked on the back burner.
Helena admits that Lola, who has her very own bank account and £100 monthly allowance from her husband Mark, will be getting more presents than her six-year-old son Harry because she ‘loves Lola more’.
Someday in the future, if you read about this woman being in a nursing home and dying after being abused at the hands of surly negros, don’t feel bad for her. Trust me, she deserves it.
‘This year, she’s definitely getting more gifts than Harry,’ she admitted. ‘I tried to hide that from Harry last year, but this time it’s so obvious because there’s so many.’
She added: ‘I do love my Lola more than Harry. You know, Lola never moans about homework, and she never complains about what’s for dinner.
Harry isn’t going to grow up with issues. No way.
Looks totally sane to me.
‘She had her first snow yesterday, and I came in and realised I hadn’t taken any pictures of Harry – but had absolutely loads of Lola, and that’s what always happens.
One of the great things about the internet is this stuff is saved forever. If in the future, Harry stabs this lunatic to death with a kitchen knife, I hope this is presented at trial because if I was on the jury, there is no way I would vote to convict. I just hope he doesn’t take it out on the dog as the dog has no say in the matter.
Helena has even learned how to groom Lola herself, and spends around £150 a month on the latest shampoos and special aftercare.
Congratulations: you learned how to wash a dog yourself.
Lola eats a special raw diet and Helena has to order her food once a month from their favourite pet shop: ‘They have named Lola ‘Lady Lola’ as they know how spoilt she is and how she’s treated.
‘In fact we make an outing of it when we go there – they make me a cup of tea, Harry plays in the sand they have there.’
If a pedo grabbed Harry and ran off, would this bitch even notice?
“TBH fam, I wish this bitch would let me run outside so I could find some good shit to eat or maybe a dead animal carcass to roll on”…..Lola.
Helena said of getting Lola: ‘She’s changed my life so much, we got her because I have an only child, Harry, who was four at the time.’
Wait, what? What does having an only child have to do with getting the dog?
‘Yes I am obsessive, I don’t disturb her if she’s asleep – like if she’s cuddled up on me on the sofa and I want something, I call Mark and make him get it.
‘Mark says, “Aren’t your legs working?” and I’m like, “I’m not going to disturb Lola!”
Your husband is either a total fag or he’s fucking someone on the side who is way hotter than you and figures since you’re too insane to notice, why risk losing half his shit.
‘She came on a family trip to the cinema last week and it was brilliant – my husband wasn’t expecting her but I couldn’t leave her at home!
‘So she came along wearing pyjamas matching mine, we have matching jackets too.
Yes Harry is the victim here but let’s not forget that Lola is also very much a victim of this crazy bitch.
‘I took a week off from work when Lola had her spaying operation, when Harry has a cold I’m just like, “Off you go then!”‘
That’s funny because Harry is going to same the same shit to you when he drops you off at the nursing home. Honestly, I hope she winds up with an exceptionally surly groid who lets her fester in her own piss for days at a time.
Helena said: ‘My husband’s view is happy wife, happy life – he knows where he comes in the pecking order – it goes Lola, Harry, him!
I honestly hope your husband isn’t this much of a dickless fag. I hope that in actuality he’s fucking a hot girl somewhere and after amazing sex, they lay around and laugh about how stupid and insane you are.
Helena explained how she took Harry out of school to go to a special dog photographer so that they could have a family photo with Lola
‘I would rather that Harry wasn’t able to spell “table” when he’s 20, than have a gap in the family photo,’ Helena reasoned.
Let’s learn to spell together Harry: m-a-t-r-i-c-i-d-e.
Lola is so pampered that she will only eat out of one of her many pink fancy princess bowls.
‘Some mornings if Lola isn’t interested in her breakfast I will sit on the kitchen floor and spoon feed her to make sure she’s eaten as I hate to think of her being hungry while I’m out!’
No, she’s a dog. If you let her run free at the landfill, she would dig up dirty diapers and try to eat them while rolling on something dead. I suppose you’re supposed to read the source article and be like, “Ha ha she’s so funny” but how the hell is this not abuse towards her actual child? We keep hearing about how all of these THOTS who screwed their bosses are all victims who deserve our sympathy but then they turn around and write an article such as this where it is evident this woman is abusing her son and we’re supposed to be like, “LOL the dog’s wearing clothes!”? If we had the equivalent of the Hitler Youth Corps, young Harry would be six million times better off enrolled in that than he is playing second fiddle to a dog when it comes to his bat shit crazy mother. This kid is going to grow up hating his mother and probably hating women in general and let’s be honest; who can blame him? I just hope that if he snaps, he keeps his rage isolated to this crazy bitch who deserves it.